Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
