we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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