did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
