I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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