i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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