i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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