the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
