How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
