I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
no you cant smoke seaweed
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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