quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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