Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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