You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
