Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
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how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
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Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
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