I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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