I don't usually arrange sex via text message
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
