Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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