my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
