Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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