Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
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went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
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You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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