wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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