I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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