this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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