i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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