Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
