I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
