I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
