I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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