NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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