Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I smell like Dick and happiness
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
