do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This is my gift to your gina
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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