Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
