ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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