He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
