She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
