If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
