Just mADE A PArabola og urine
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
