Midget sex pt 2 tonight
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
