I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
