a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
