True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
