I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
