He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
