I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
