this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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