You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.