How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides