I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
