I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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