My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Randomize
