Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
