I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
