Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
