I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
