my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
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You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
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They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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