dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
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Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
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I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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